Episode 3 - Pillow Talk - Have Fun With Mixed Up Life

Join us this week as we dive into Pillow Talk. We do our best to define and share some personal sexy insights into what happens when our heads hit the pillow….
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Transcript

 The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker's own and do not represent the views, thoughts, and opinions of any corporation, company, or employer. Let's get weird. This is the mixed up life. Let's face it. Most podcasts. Are boring and very few of them get real and raw. Well, we are definitely about to change that lifestyle, sex, parenting, relationships, entertaining and living in the moment.

Real raw conversations, the mixed up. And now your hosts Adrian and Kim.

All right, go ahead, . Now I like this topic. Okay. Pillow talk. Define it, and what you feel the best way to approach pillow TAUs. Oh, so defining pillow talk. What is pillow talk? So in my nine years of marriage, I think pillow talk is literally, , your recap of anything you haven't been able to talk about in the chaos of any given day, like it's like those things you've had to basically tabletop and sideline, not having a full conversation, right?

In order to make conscious decisions, things like that around those. You have to, you have to literally talk about those as you lay your head on your pillow. Should it be something that is.  PLO talk. Yes. No, I don't think it should be planned because there are some times in which PLO talk just won't work.

Like if, if I, I'm such a realist in the sense that like, there's been times where I've had something on my mind and I go, tonight would be a great night at PLO tight and I roll over and you're, ah, uh, . So, Planning it? No, I don't think. No, I, how are you still married To me, that is not attractive at all. And you know what's really sad?

I do look like that. I don't think, and I'm sleeping. I don't think you should. I don't think you should plan it.  because of that. That's true. Cause of that reason. That's supposed to be like spontaneous cuz all our conversations for pillow talk have like went from like things as random as like talking about our kids and what extracurricular activities they should begin.

Yep. To the bitch who pissed me off at work. Boom. And then as deep and as ridiculous, almost as heated debates go about like cultural appropriation. And then like, I remember that night very vividly like. You like, you kind of put me in my place, which I get at the same time I was kind of sitting there like, but I, I love that kind of pillow talk because it, first off, there's no category.

Well, it's also so the setting, okay. When it comes to pillow talk, it's not bright. It's literally you just laying in the dark in your bed talking to each. For real, like no tv. It is just, and I think that's why there's a, a really big rule. Some, some therapists say that like, you're, you shouldn't be having, you know, TV in the bedroom because your bedroom is like, no.

You're like your sacred place. Your sacred space. Yeah. For like you and your partner. I can agree with that. Yes. Don't worry. We have a tv. We have TV in that like we're, come on, let's just be real. Like . Yeah. But that also gives us pleasure and plus like we watch porn. So I mean,  true. Yeah. Um, there's no, there's been a few nights where I'm like, I'm glad we have this tv.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. But okay. But I think the setting for pillows Hawk should be exactly that. You laying next to each other and, and I think it makes it really less intimidating because you don't even have to look at each other. You can just look up at the ceiling. You can just lay your head, be comfortable. I never thought of that.

And you can say everything cuz we've had some really deep conversations. That was the night that we had. It was a turnaround for us. Cuz you asked me and you said, oh yeah, yeah. I mean he said we've had someone Did you? He said he openly asked me and I don't think you would ever openly ask me if I was in your face, um, or face to face.

I probably would if I ever, at that time, but if I ever had an affair or if I ever initiated anything, anything outside of our marriage and that, you've never asked me that before. Yeah. But things were really rough and so. I said no, cuz I didn't have anything. I, I don't think I have it in the heart. And because I can't keep a secret for shit.

Like, I'd be terrible at having an affair. We're just not, yeah, we're not very good at, I don't know, I think you, you can manage it. Not really, not in the, not in the degree that I would need to, to like have a true affair. What is the degree that you would have to be, I'm thinking very movie esque. Like, you know how these people are like, they'd be.

where are they going? Vacations. And like that show you just had me watch, he was like, oh, I'm seeing my secretary. And he was like, they literally walk past the secretary like every day. Like there's no way I could do that. There's no way. Think about that. Like him and his wife were walking past the secretary every day and then he comes in.

I was like, I'm having an affair with my secretary. And be like, you go to work though. So what I'm saying is like in that scenario, she walked past that secretary of plenty of times. Yeah. You know, nerve-wracking that No, absolutely not. I have anxiety, so, no. No. What, what would you be anxious about? The whole thing Would you be anxious about?

Okay. Are are you more literally, I know, but hold on, let's backtrack for a second. I, I wanna know what you'd be anxious about. Are you anxious about me finding out, or are you more anxious about the fact that you have to handle two women? Oh, probably

I'm just, you have to be honest and truthful. Tell me what it is. Seriously, both of them. More. More if, oh god. . Definitely more the two women aspect. Okay. This is why. Okay. So cause an affair to me is like really invest investment in another person. That's what an affair is. It's like an affair is not, it doesn't seem quick.

So is an affair, uh, having a fuck buddy on the side, like your side piece for a long period of time. What's the time? What, see, for me, affair says time. That's how it computes to me. Okay. I could see that, that that's, that's what that means to me. Right? And it also incorporates to me some type of emotional investment.

Listen, I couldn't handle affairs when you asked me that. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I seriously legit. Don't have the time when you. Two, when you just said two women , did your heart just, I kid you not like, is your chest the same?  did your chest care, but it's not . Cause all those things like started attacking.

It was like, imagine caring for somebody else, having time for somebody else. Like all these caring an affair has to involve. I don't know if I'm, I don't know if that's accurate and that might not be accurate for everybody. That's, there's a difference of opinion obviously, but for me is an affair and a side piece the same.

For me the different, well, yeah, I think so. It's the same thing. I, I think so. I don't know. Listen, I'm not considering, what do y'all think is a side piece and an affair the same? I think every, I think everybody has a difference of opinion, I think, but for my, in my personal opinion and affair means time and investment.

Those like investment of time, resources, those type of things says a fair to me. I will tell you. And I, this is a confession, and I'm sure you know this about me as well. I can't keep secrets. I can't do, there's no hiding. Everything sits on my face. So especially with Adrian. So if he goes, oh, are you going out with your girlfriends?

I'd be like, yeah. And then I would just, you tell me all the time. I know, but like it's just, . It's like instead of going out with my girlfriends, I would meet up with someone else, but like, I seriously don't have the time nor the energy for that. So that's why I wanna know is a side piece. The same as an affair because I, I wouldn't have the time or the energy to maintain anyone else's emotions.

Got the idea of it. H handling the emotions of men is like, I just, I think, makes me angst. Yeah. I, I think the, because in this dynamic , I'm moral, like, no, I mean, I, I seriously think like the, you're right, the managing of multiple. Women is like such a scary, I think for me it's also, and I say men, managing is not the right word, but time is really precious to me.

I am, and Adrian can tell you, I am all about efficiency, so, mm-hmm. , I cannot, I simply don't have the time to like check in on you or, you know, make plans with someone else because I'd rather do that with my husband, like even in the rough. Moments that we've had, I would rather be by myself. That's what it is.

It's the, it's the preference, right? It's the priority setting that gives me the anxiety, because I've always, I mean, for forever, for more than a decade, my priorities have been very simple. It's been like I, you're, you're here. , everything we've created falls underneath that. So I don't have to do a whole lot of like priority setting around that.

Imagine introducing another person and then you plan to squeeze somewhere in that pyramid of importance. Hell no. Like that. Oh my God, I need my inhaler. Just thinking about that , seriously, like that's a very anxiety written thing. Like, listen, I, I don't have any secrets and everything is on my calendar.

Nah, I, yeah. So you would. Lunch with Dale

If you're out with a guy named Dale, then you can do whatever you want to. Dale could be really hot, but his name is Dale, so there's, he kind of got settled for it. If there's any Dale's out there, then too bad. So, yeah, I don't know. But yes, so. When it comes to pillow talk . How'd get, yeah, how'd you get that far that, cause our deepest conversations were during pillow talk, pillow talk.

So I strongly encourage anyone or everyone to partake in pillow talk. And it doesn't even have to really be with your spouse. I think it could be as simple as you going like a night on the town with like your girlfriends and then you guys spend the night, don't lie. I know you've been on boys trips and you guys have pillow talk.

Um, you know, I guess though, yeah, we're all laying around half drunk and be like, Hey, let me, yep. They know you guys process together. We do. I don't not, maybe not in the same bed. Some of you do, but that's okay too cuz you're friends. No, we're just usually laying all the floors and couches. Yeah. Pelo talk can happen.

No, in in any setting. Any setting. But I really encourage it like in a marriage just cuz it provides an opportunity to be, I like our settings of pelo talk. Our settings of pelo talk are just so, it's just like you're on, we talk until we're just basically on the verge of sleep. Yes. But I also ask, I find myself asking the most ridiculous questions that I would never ask if I looked at you, just because I know he would judge me.

If I, but I've been more comfortable now asking you the questions that are on my mind. I wouldn't, no, I don't really, I don't really do the judgment thing. It's not judging, but it's like, can't wear it on you think I am, babe. You wear it on your face. I said, Dale, if I was laying in bed, I would not like, it's like when we Dale's a pretty crappy name.

Okay. Anyways, in the grand scheme of things, , I'm just saying. . I think pillow talk should be spontaneous, but I also think that for some people, for, um, PLA Planning. Planning, yeah. Just like how people like have to plan sex. I don't like that idea. Planning sex. Mm-hmm. , no, I don't like it. I, and I, there's a difference of opinion.

I get it. If the intimacy's not there, and you gotta put it on the cal. . At least it's something because I, I do think it's so essential. I, I, I think at one point in our relationship, we were just having sex because I said, Hey, we didn't do it this week. We need to have sex . Yeah. See? So it does have to be planned sometimes.

Now, for some reason it's like, Hey, we didn't do it yesterday. Why are we not doing it? And I'm like, what? It was been one day woman like, give me a break. See, this is what I mean by having pillow talk so that the, you see the facial expressions, like that is judgment. Like no one. Don't like do that. But you can't say that you don't do the same.

I do because I refer to, I say something about a session and he just thinks, I immediately think, yeah, you think like session that we're gonna have, we call it sessions now cuz we have so many, but now every time I say like, Hey, are you going to this session? Like he'll be like, oh, um, no, like, or he'll be like, oh, I said, what did I say today?

I said, Hey, do you think you're gonna do a session asking him, do you have time to do a session at the gym? Like, are you gonna do a session at the gym? And then he goes, yeah, I think I can make time for it. And I said, immediately. I said, wait session as in a gym session, babe. Oh God. Not like I don't have time for a session right now.

I thought I was, I was ready. I was on the way over. Oh, I bet you were ready. I was on the way over way over where you were standing in the kitchen. , I was ready to come over  this, that was the session. So I do, would you tell me if you did have a session at work? Oh yeah, absolutely. With another woman? Yeah.

But like, uh, if we weren't in the lifestyle, would you come home and tell me right away? Mm, probably not right away. I'd probably have to work, work it up. Like the courage, like I play every scenario. I mean, obviously I'm human. Like I, I play every scenario in my mind. And then eventually I'd be like, this is not something I could just keep, like we, we just gotta sit down and have the conversation.

Yeah. Someone once told me, hmm, that having an affair or confessing to an affair is not you thinking about the other person. It's for your own conscious. I can agree with that because, and it's quite selfish because here to confess it, here's the. , and I absolutely agree. That's another question I wanna know.

Yes. One is a side piece and an affair, the same thing. And two, fuck no, it's, it's, what was the other one? Confessing. If confessing is selfish. Yeah. All right. So in my opinion, I, I agree with that. All right. For me, I have this internal thing like light burning, that there's certain things that would like snuff it out, right?

Mm-hmm. , it's like things that would harm my family.  things that'll harm my friends like that. Those kind of things. Right. And in order to keep that light burning, to not enter some degree of like being a dark person, I think I would have to, yes. Be a little bit selfish and admitting that, right? Mm-hmm. , but only because I know the other side of it would be hurting us in the long run.

So do you have anything to confess to? I do not. So boring. I'm not boring. I just, I'm just kidding. I appreciate it. Oh, no. I mean, but I find it really hard to believe. I, I'm just not, I've been like before, earlier in our marriage mm-hmm. , I was waiting for you to come home and be like, listen. Got it. Yes. Or, or some woman knocking on our door saying, I mean, I think about another baby.

So I think being in the lifestyle has probably showing you a lot about one, my interaction with. , right? But then two, it's just like my, my ability to also very easily pivot how, how great our marriage is, how great our relationship is, how great our chemistry is, the trusting and confidence and all of the things that we have and have worked for and has been really worth it.

Um, because we can enter spaces like a club or I. Personal space of another couple or, or even a single woman and be like, leave that atmosphere in, in comfort. And that took a, that, that's a long time coming. It's not, that's not, it's a long time coming. That's not like a a, it's a lot of, that's not an easy thing to achieve, let's just say that.

Yeah. But it, it starts with like internally, like it starts with yourself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. First like reflecting on yourself and like, Really going to help you grow. Mm-hmm.  as a person. Yeah. And then once you reach that point of like, I think I've like grown into this, I know what I want, I know what I need.

Yeah. And what, and then you're able to express that to your partner. But I think the hardest part that I've had is trying to figure out what it is that I need. I think here, here's, like going back to the whole like injection thing. So I, I want to know it so I.  so we can develop kind of like a rapport around it, right?

Around what has happened, what caused it, it happened, those type of things. Being in the lifestyle now, I'm probably a lot more open to, to hearing things than I would be back then. Like, cuz I think our communication is 10 times better. I think if before like hearing things, it's like going off the deep end, like boom.

Like there's no, there's a like a, a rash reaction around things, whereas in now, , I think we can center ourselves around asking the important questions versus just being quiet and being assumptive. Yeah. Or exploding and being assumptive or what, whatever the case may be. And I, if there's one thing I would say that like has been a positive outtake of all of it, it's the communication factor.

Like the rest of it is like such a, like a great, great thing. Like, don't get me wrong, we have amazing sex and like we experiment all the time. Do. Just stuff. But we couldn't be able to have any of that without communication though. Exactly. Right. So not my point. That's really important. My point made Exactly.

Mm-hmm.  with a lot of good pillow talk. Yes. We've . So it went from, with a lot of good pillow talk, it was only supposed to be like a five minute video about what pillow talk is, but it segue into different things. Um, it's cuz I have like such squirrely moments. No, that was. I like that. But so we're ending this with asking you, one is a side piece and affair the same thing, and two, our confessions essentially selfish in nature.

I like it. Those are two good questions, so please tell us, we'll see what you say because I definitely wanna know. Thanks for joining us. Thank you for tuning in to the Mixed Up Live. Subscribe and chat with us on Instagram and make sure to follow the adventures on Spotify or wherever you get your podcast.