Episode 8 - The Mixed Up Question

Hey guys welcome to another Episode of the Mixed up life with Adrian and Kim!
Have you popped the question to your spouse or significant other? How did you start? We get real deep and open up about our beginning.
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Episode-7
Episode 7 - The Mixed Up Soloist
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Episode 6 - Mixed Up In The Club
Episode-5
Episode 5 - The Mixed Up Night Out
Episode-4
The Mixed Up Fantasy
Episode-3
The Pillow Talk with Kim
Episode-2
MixedUp ToyBox
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Transcript

 The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker's own and do not represent the views, thoughts, and opinions of any corporation, company, or employer. Let's get weird. This is the mixed up life. Let's face it. Most podcasts are boring and very few of them get real and raw Will. Are definitely about to change that lifestyle, sex, parenting, relationships, entertaining and living in the moment, real raw conversations, the mixed up life.

And now your hosts Adrian and Kim.

Hey guys. Welcome back. Welcome back to the Mixed Up Live podcast. . So let's, uh, talk about this. Today's topic is how do you bring up the conversation with your spouse, the conversation, the birds and the bees? You know what conver the conversation of, Hey, I wanna swing , I wanna . Um, but that's not how you started it.

I wanna do in the bees conversation that's more comfortable. Sometimes I think we should talk about how we approached it, and then we talk about. We would maybe advise. Now remember, we are certified counselors. We're just certified in sexy sex . That's great. That's all. It's so, I, not so much our, like, our experience cuz our, our experience may not be unique.

I'm not sure, but it, it, it came at kind of a rough time in which we were already testing the waters and we. , you know what? All cars on the table. Is this something we want to explore? It's not something that we wanted to explore. You have to have the background of what was going on between us. So as we continue to progress in this podcast, yeah, we reach a sense of vulnerability and being able to be open.

But I think it's also because we wanna process it together. We haven't had a chance to really reflect on where. We've been to where we are now. So a little background is, it was during, Covid. It was just, it was, COVID was just starting, and I had just transitioned out of my job of teaching and teaching.

Face-to-face was miserable for me, and I absolutely hated it. And so I finally left and got into a job that I really like, seemed to enjoy, and then I got furloughed.  and that was a task in itself. But during the time that I was transitioning between careers as a teacher, like from working in the hospital to being a teacher, it was really rough on us.

And we had just had our daughter, our daughter's like 18 months now I think. So she just turned a year and we reached a point of how is it mundane? Like not it. When you get married and there's a cycle of things, right? You get married, you do date nights, you check all the boxes of the things that you need to do, and all the roles that you society has placed on us as being married, right?

Like, We, you get married, you buy a house, you have toxin conversations about date nights, you talk about work. Um, occasionally you go out with your friends, very routine, very routine, and then you have a baby. So we had a baby and it, everything became routine again. It was like I drop her off at daycare, you go pick her up, you go to the gym, I'll go to the gym.

We'll sit down and we'll have family dinners on the weekends. We'll hang out together. And it was just like a routine thing. And, and sex was just like, Hey, we haven't had, This week, so let's, let's have sex or, and it would be like, Hey, we haven't had sex for a month. Like we need to have sex. Let's just check it off.

And it wasn't that we weren't sexually like attracted to each other or turned on by any means, but it just got to the point where it was like, this is what we're supposed to do. Yeah. Life was just in like a rough spot. Yeah. And then when I started the job, the. , my colleague that I worked with was, he was just really nice and during a time that I felt like I needed niceness mm-hmm.

and I couldn't get it at home, like, I felt like Adrian was very, and he knows this, like it was very. . Like he would be like, I'm, I'm a great catch. And then I was like, I never said you weren't. And then it was very ego and it was very hard for someone like me to kind of like swallow that and just be like, I need someone a little more down to earth like you are all the way up here and I need someone to be humble with me for a second.

And I didn't have that. So then comes in covid and it happens and we're spending a lot of time together.  sex toys came into play because this woman was selling it. Totally. And I was sitting at home and I said to Adrian, I was like, Hey, do we wanna like try this? Like, and he was like, yeah, let's, let's try it.

I was like, we're home. Like let's give us a try and see where it takes us. And then that very night after I had ordered toys, we get into this really deep conversation. Mm-hmm.  and it was pillow talk and Adrian said, He laid down next to me and he was like, I want you to be really honest with me. Have you, have you had an affair?

Like, is there anyone that like you've done anything with? And, and again, remember on our episode we talked about pillow talk, being in a state of. , um, a relaxed state where, and we dim the lights or we turn it off completely and we're laying on our pillows mm-hmm. , and we, we can't see each other's faces.

We're just talking. So it makes it less intimidating. So when he asked me that, and I said, No, I haven't had an affair, but there is this guy at work that I have this attraction to, but my attraction, and this is my first time, I don't know where this is gonna end up. And I went through it while I was talking to, like saying it.

Mm-hmm. . I was like, this can be two, like one of two things. It could be my husband will get up and walk out and just be like, oh my God. Like I don't know how to deal with this. Yeah. Or I could hope for the latter that he lays here next to me and helps me process this. Yeah. Because I said to him, I said, I don't want a relationship with him.

I don't want anything with him. I, it's purely just physical. Like, I purely, like, like I said, I, whenever I'm alone in this room with him, I feel safe and he's really nice and I basically just wanna close the door and have like, have him take advantage of me. Alright, fair enough. But Adrian wasn't okay with what he looked like.

So  Well, no, I, yeah, again, that. Bar none. That was probably like one of the, but that, that came with the whole niceness thing, right? Yeah. I was not in a part of my life to where I could, I could have afforded niceness, but at the same time, niceness wasn't afforded to me. So I projected that back into the world.

Like I had a lot of things that I had to take care of and Unfortu. , I had the priorities backwards, but I also think that I will take ownership in this. So being in the industry that I was working, um, I had a lot of compa, compassion fatigue is what we call it, um, in the industry where it's like you give your all mm-hmm.

true to your job, like your heart and your soul, like empathy wise. Yeah. It's very painless. Yeah, it's very, and you just like put it in. You wanna empathize with people because that's your job. Um, and you start forgetting like that you have like someone else at home. And I also think a lot of the times I to no fault of Adrian at all, I always kind of went into my marriage thinking that you were gonna one day come home and say like, you've been having an affair.

So I never, I guarded my heart with my life. Yeah, yeah. So I was just like, you know what? It's bound to happen anyways. There's no need for me to. Really love because I know that once I do love, I'm gonna get hurt and I don't want that and it's not worth the risk. So that's just my mentality and it's a lot of trauma that I had to work through, um, childhood trauma and that's like a whole nother story.

And I think everybody has kind of baggage in that, right? Like things that in your life that impact you. So it was a matter of having that conversation with Adrian, cuz I know for him, He did verbalize that it was very hard, and you can correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah. It was super hard to see your wife love everyone around you and care for everyone around you, but not you.

Yeah. Her partner. It's very, it's very true and, and a lot of it is, I knew what I was getting into for whatever reason. Like I knew who you were as, as a person in terms of your ability.  love, family and friends, strangers even. And then not to have that reciprocation, you know, met, right? Mm-hmm. . So I knew a lot of that, but I also knew that this was in that conversation laying down next to you, whereas the choice was to walk out or to stay there all of that time that I had spent staying there anyway, right?

That, that period of.  what? In my head it was like, what's one more time? What's one more time for a chance to be with the person I know I belong with? That's my soulmate, that's my partner in this life. Like I only get one shot at this. Walking out is not gonna gonna be the end of this, this conversation, the end of what could be a wonderful life.

And that's, I mean, that's a decision that I made. So when I asked that question, it wa it. It wasn't to ask you to find out. I already knew. Knew what? I already knew. There was somebody else that was being ni nice is your thing. Right. , you know, that's anybody could be nice. Yes. Right. And and at and at the time.

I very well could have been nice. I just was not in a space where I was a feeling like the world was treating. , like the things that I, I didn't have the equity in the world, and then two, I, I wasn't very nice to myself. Mm-hmm. , right. So with all those things combined and, and you know, dealing with whatever's in the past and, and, you know, my, my kind of, uh, angst about the future and all that stuff, it all reflected back and it, it didn't pay off well, but that conversation changed everything because instead of going, you know, what, This is the end game.

Whatever. I need to know what this presents. I need to know if this is something that truly allows you to jump ship and, and not care for me, like truly. Or is this like you really allowing me to find out what a, I'm missing or what we are missing in this relationship to allow me to at the very least emulate it.

If not, change my perspective or my.  of what we were doing. Yeah. So this was also around the same time that I turned 30 and. , my sex drive like just picked up like libido wise, like things changed. Oh, for sure. Yeah. After I turned 30 and I don't know what it was, I couldn't explain it and I just wanted to have sex with Adrian all the time.

And, but again, and it was just a dr, like a drive kind of thing, but it was only like, it was only sex with him. It was just like, I was constantly fantasizing about just sex. Yeah. And. But I, I was honest with you, and I said, I don't want another man. Like, I don't want another emotional connection with anyone.

Yeah. I just, I just wanted a sense of being connect, like connected as far as like physical, like touch and like intimacy, but not intimacy. Like it was so hard to explain. And then I felt terrible because I said, I was like, no, there's not anyone else. Like, I'm not loving anyone else. Yeah. Want more of something.

I don't know what that means. And I felt really, I wasn't having an affair with anyone, but I felt like I've betrayed my husband the way that I was feeling. And it was really hard because like as a woman and as a wife, especially in this day and age, like you were just kind of, you have this vision of like what your life and your role is gonna be like as a wife.

And when you find yourself.  deterring from that and moving away from that, you feel very wrong. Yeah, that could be shot. I could see where that could be shock from you. Like you feel really abnormal. And so that's why I was like, oh, I don't know how I feel about this. So when Adrian brought it up, we talked about it and then he, the following day, cuz after that we, we made love that night.

Yeah. And then, which honestly I don't know if our making love looks like that anymore, but Yes.  sometimes. So then he comes up. This is how I discover my husband's truly a nerd and loves to research things. And he goes, there's this thing. And I was like, okay, what, what is it? Oh yeah, I went down the rabbit hole of like, everything that came with essentially like e and m, right?

Yeah. Which is like, so in terms of that non physically, non-monogamous, you know, and, and ethically non-monogamous and it's a thing. Absolutely. Yeah. Mm-hmm. . So it's, it's just. I wanted to know the information behind it. Mm-hmm. , because I was on an island, like I was all alone. I didn't, obviously I had nobody else to talk to.

I, I didn't know if anybody else had been through this, anybody else experienced this. It was just me by myself. And Google. And Google. Right. And even that didn't, didn't help as much. I, I mean, obviously. I knew other people had experienced this or going through this, and I knew it was a thing. But the rabbit hole started was like, honestly, it was, it started from, is my marriage over?

Like that was it? Like that's where it started. Mm-hmm.  then it, it started the rabbit hole of like, okay, it exists where you can potentially st like still have this, like all the, I love Kim to my core. There, there's plenty of times I could have like just book bagged it and and out, right? And I can't tell you how many times I've looked at just our love and gone, there's no way I'm leaving.

Like if that is all we have left in this world, like everything else burns down and we only have that. And I know they write songs and books and poems about this shit, but this is. . This is the honest truth. I've never felt this way. I've always looked at that shit like, oh, that's cheesy, right? You can, you can write about this, but nobody means it.

I really mean that shit. If we had nothing left and it all fails and that's all we have to build on, that's enough. That's, that's okay. That's enough. Um, so in that moment, like looking through that information, feeling alone, going down the rabbit hole of like how first you wanna fix it, then you want to like, , uh, you, you know, you, you want to try to like men the past and then you wanna, you start questioning if you're enough.

Yeah. Like anymore. Yeah, you do, you do everything mm-hmm.  and it's like a self inflection and then you're, you know, outward and, and all this stuff. So all the same. You know, we, we kind of progress to where I'm just like, if this is something you want to explore, . So then he presents this and I went to, we went to college with someone who ended up being a licensed family marriage therapist as well as a sex therapist.

Mm-hmm. And so Adrian proposed something called like the swinger lifestyle. And I never in my life, I've heard about it, but never thought I would ever wanna partake in something like that, cuz I remember us talking. How could you just go have sex with like someone else and then still be married? Like how does that work?

No, I was right there with you. Yeah. Yeah. So we were just like, no, like that's just weird. Like sex is a very, We were like, sex is a very intimate thing. That's something we wanna share with each other. So when it came about the thought of like, okay, this is just purely physical, and I had to stress that to him.

I said, babe, this is purely physical. Like I just want to have sex and that's it. Like, it's just different. I'm not looking for Yeah. Like, you know, another person to be emotionally connected to is just simply for the joy of having sex. So we talked about that and, and then he. There's a club and that's how he came.

Oh yeah. Across Trapes and another like swinging club in Atlanta. And we've been to both . Um, so I asked the sex therapist and I said, Hey, like, have you heard about this? Like, what are your thoughts on people in the lifestyle and swingers? And she, she just like left it at this, she said,  swinging. Being in the lifestyle is not to fulfill something that you are missing.

It is simply to enhance your relationship. So don't do it. We, she's like trying to find something. Yeah. She said the most successful couples in the lifestyle are the ones that are enhancing their relationship, not trying to fill a void. Yeah. Or like feel like they're missing something. Like it is full transparency and a lot of communication.

She said. So.  came about it that way. And then Adrian also went through saying there's, there's different styles of being in the spring. Yeah. Listen, when I tell you I like pin and notebook, this thing, like, so it was a matter of our communication style. Absolutely. Just, I'm not, I'm not gonna say amended overnight.

It, it didn't, it, it takes a lot of work. That is the biggest thing though, in terms. Where we were to where we are now. Now there's no topic that's too taboo. There's nothing that my wife can turn around and say to me to where I'm gonna be like, shock and awe. It's not, it's not gonna be that because I come from the now place of going, okay, let's talk about this.

Let's vet through this process. Let's get to the other side of it. I want to know the why's. I don't want to jump to assumptions. I don't want, I don't want to conclude before we even, we even have this journey together. Right. I'll put it like this and, and I thought about this the other day, my marriage, I like to liken to a marathon all the time.

Right? When I talk to my friends, uh, mostly vanilla friends, I, I go and most of 'em are newly married or newly having new children or whatever the case may be. And I. This is a marathon, and they were like, oh yeah, yeah. This is a race. We're we're running a long race. And I was like, no, no, no, no. You got this wrong.

I was like, you're not even at the registration desk yet. You haven't even gotten your banner across your chest yet. They haven't assigned you a number. As a matter of fact, you might still be in the lobby online trying to click and know if it's worth paying that 40 bucks. . That's what marriage. And that's, in my opinion, I think that's where we are.

As long as we've been together and as many experiences as as we've had, I still feel like I'm at the registration desk. I, I still feel like I'm finding out new things every day, and I wanna continue to feel that way. The lifestyle has brought a lot of that to the, for. , like the fun is great, don't get me wrong, but honestly, that's just like the cherry on top to what is already a very like sprinkled ridden cake of the communication we have.

So that, that was like my biggest takeaway, like all those rough moments, like I rarely look like, besides re you know, rehashing and kind of sharing with you and being vulnerable there. We rarely revisit that because we did such a good job of walking through.  all those rough times and, and communicating through it.

Yeah, so I think we say that to basically open up the floor for y'all to think about this, like when it comes to your partner wanting to explore or you wanting to explore you, you know, your partner.  and you wanna place emphasis on the things that you feel like they're gonna be insecure about, but you also don't wanna place that judgment on them in advance.

So I always. Pose. Again, not a certified counselor. I only have a couple of classes in counseling, but I think it's just the core of communication. You won't know unless you ask. So you have to decide right then and there basically of, I'm curious and I, I wanna explore this, but I want to explore with my partner.

Yeah. And if you go for. Months, years of just holding onto that and just going, I just don't wanna hurt them. I don't want, yeah, I don't want them to think that they're not enough. So then why don't you start the conversation by simply saying, Hey, I wanna talk to you about something and I wanna make sure that we're in a good place, and I want you to know that I love.

that my intentions mean of no harm to you by any means. I just want to have this open conversation and I wanna hear your perspective. You are enough for me. I just wanted to see like, can we explore other ventures together? I like that. So, and I think that's really important. And then you as the partner that's hearing this, you need to practice.

If you say, if you, on the other end are saying, I will listen and I'm gonna. Like tell you my thoughts or it could be the latter of going, I will listen to you, but I also am gonna warn you that I might be triggered, um, I might be upset, I might walk away, but please don't take it as a means of me not wanting to communicate, but understand that I need time to process what you just said.

To me, that's extremely important. The, the processing thing, and we've had like a couple of different levels of communication in which Kim has has told me. Hey, I need that two day span. That doesn't mean we're not talking and, and for the two days, but just that particular topic. It's not like I'm gonna press the issue and go, oh, I need to know what your thoughts are on this.

It's like, no, in, in a couple of days when you come to me, just like sex, you're a big girl, you'll tell me, , you'll tell me. When she comes back to me, I know that we are in a good place. Like she's able to not only fully, you know, communicate everything like we're not getting half the picture. Add some fun and love to your podcast playlist with the Mixed Up Life Podcast.

A podcast far from Ordinary with a dash of extraordinary. Join host Adrian and Kim on an adventure to navigate this mixed up life with chats, covering topics from love and romance to real. Talk about personal. And experiences. Each episode is a fun, real, in wall conversation about stories we can all relate to in our mixed up lives.

Join in on the fun and listen to the Mixed Up Life podcast on Spotify, apple Podcast, and wherever you get your podcast. We process very differently nowadays, and it used to be where I needed a lot of time, and Adrian would need a lot of time to process and debrief. It is very. Very much like I compare it to the emergency room.

Okay. Um, you get into the emergency room and you're helping with a trauma mm-hmm. , and then you're already in the moment and you're having it and like there's things going on. Patient needs your help, but you have to communicate to the doctor what's going on. You have to communicate to the respiratory therapist.

There's so many moving parts in that element. Okay. And then once the patient is stabilized, then, or they're like life lighted somewhere else. You need, you step back and you're like, oh my gosh, that was a lot. So then what we do in the healthcare industry is we go, okay, the doctor then goes, I'm gonna do a debrief.

Um, and like we'll debrief in 10 minutes. Oh, okay. And it's right then and there. Right. But we don't talk about the debriefing process takes more than just. Like maybe that hour, you know, um, that we have just processing and, and debriefing. And that's again, how compassion fatigue happens and burnout. But I say that to make sure that you.

You have those conversations and you allow for that space and that time, and as you continue to practice, it takes a while. For some, it could be like, it takes a couple of weeks to even get the hang of it, and it could be simply just trying different things. Like you don't even have to openly say like, Hey, I wanna have like, I think we should be in the lifestyle or we should start swinging.

But you approach it differently. Start with the communication piece, right? Like you're just like, I didn't tell him to do the dishes this way and it's pissing me the fuck off every time he does this. But did you even. Communicate that. Did you take the time to communicate that? Because you can't exactly be upset if you've never said anything to person.

True. And that goes back to when we talked about love languages. Yes. Right? Yes. So, so if you don't know what love language are, languages are, you should just look it up. Um, I, I'm not very knowledgeable on them. I just know what my love language is, and Adrian knows what his love language is. So when you do it, you start.

So much more about your partner and what they define as love, right? Mm-hmm. . So I remember telling Adrian like, I did all these things for you because I thought that that is. That's all I know about love. Like I thought that that's what meant that, you know, you know that I love you. Like, um, cooking for you, making sure dinner's on the table, like cleaning, doing the laundry.

Very traditional, very traditional wife duties. Yeah. Like, I'm just like, I'm gonna try to stay in shape, be the best wife that I can be, like physically looking for you and making sure that like when our friends are over, that all of the guys have drinks and you're happy and content. Right. And guess.  don't care about any of that.

Yeah. So that is not Adrian's love, right? No. And then Adrian in. Thought my love language was bringing me flowers and just saying like, Hey, I love you so much. Or like, you know, and he does do that and I do like that, but my love language is acts of service. Like, I love it when he takes the initiative to take out the trash to, um, make sure that the kids' lunches are packed, or make sure that I have coffee in the morning.

Mm-hmm. . So those are acts of service, Adrian's. Like words of affirmation He loves, I think. I don't know if that's what I like. I just like hearing the affection. Yeah. So, because I've never shared my feelings with any man, to be honest with you, I don't think I've, in all of my previous relationships, I was never vulnerable to the state of like, Hey, I love you so much, but Adrian, , and I always tell him this now, I always go, I feel like I'm suffocating you.

And I'm just like, so, and I'm like, bring it on. Like after our, um, like every time we go out to trap or we have like a really nice night or something the whole week, I'm like, clingy. I want a spoon. I want, it's the best cuddle. I want, I want all the love and affection. I want to make out with him all the time.

It's that, and I'm okay with that. And that's the best thing about being in the lifestyle for me, is the reconnection that I get with my spouse that at the end of the day, he knows and I know that. I'm his person and he's my person. Yeah. So that's just the core of it, and I think that's how we communicate it and that's how we want it to be.

But again, it's different for everyone. So it goes back to that's how we brought up the conversation for us. I think if I was to like go back, let's say it's just like everything is just kosher in terms of the relationship and. , you stumble upon upon this and you go, okay, I'm, I have it in my head, single.

I'm the guy in terms of presenting it to my wife. Yeah, right. I think I would approach it just like you said, which is, Hey, I want to tell you something and I wanna present something to you. Again, this has no ill intentions. This is purely something that we have to enter into together or prefer.  and I want to make sure that not only am I heard and I get to finish what I'm saying, that I give you the space to process before assuming and then coming, coming back.

Mm-hmm. , whatever time that needs. That's the only thing. I, I ask of you, so, and then go from there. Yeah. So a lot of the time it took us a while to fully even we say we've been in the lifestyle for what, three, four years. But in reality, as far as like being fully immersed in it, not until recently. Yeah.

Like, like a year and a half. Yeah. Like a year and a half. Um, yeah. After, after. And we've been talking talking like five years. Yes. So it's just.  five years. Yeah. Basically 2019. So 4 0 4 years. So four years. Yeah. So it's a lot of growth in between that time and things have changed our dynamics as far as like how we communicate, but I, I have never felt more connected with Adrian.

Yeah. And I , I. And I remember at one time I had so much love for him that I was crying. Like I remember sitting at the table and it was ridiculous. Y'all like I was, it was the best. It was. Adrian was like in heaven. So I'm like sitting there and I was like crying and he was like, are you okay not crying in like a bad way?

It was like, I love you so much. I don't know what to do with these. Yeah. So I was. This feels so weird. It's foreign. I don't know what to like do about it. And I was like, I just love you so much that like, God, like if something ever happened to you, I'd be really sad. And this is, this is me like coming back like, you know, this is normal to feel this way about your spouse.

Right? , this is ok. This is. No, listen, I, I, I love the fact that we're, we're at this place and I know so many other people probably listening are at kind of the start, right? And I, in my opinion, I think we're still at the start, but, uh, I mean like really at the start, like fresh, I'm gonna have a conversation.

I'm not saying like, I think, I'm not saying that you need to try the lifestyle, if you need to change in your relationship. I think it's just all in the matter of communication. Yeah. That's not fair rule. It could just be the change in how you communicate to one another. Like are you genuinely saying what's on your mind to your spouse with no fear or feeling like you're walking on eggshells?

Because for me, Forever. I felt like I had to think about what I wanna say, how I wanna say it, instead of truly just saying what I wanna say. And that took forever. Like it would take so much energy out of me. And eventually I was like, I don't even wanna ask. I'm so damn I'm tired. Like I don't even know if I'm gonna ask this.

Right. And now to the point where it's just. I'm just gonna ask you because I, and it's also when we go back to processing for me in the lifestyle, if I have a question, I'm gonna ask it in the moment right then and there. And then once I get the answer, I move on because I can't process anymore. Because if I do, I run into a rabbit hole and, and do the overthinking.

Yeah. And it becomes like overthinking it and that's just not what I want either. Um, and it's not good for either one of us. No, I. I like it just from the com. If there was nothing else, just the communication part i'd, I'd be on board for it. Like if somebody was to tell me that, and of course I wouldn't believe you, but if somebody was to tell me it's like this, changing your relationship in this way or approaching your relationship in this way is going to open the doors on all the foundational stuff.

Not just the sex, but like the true foundational stuff. I'll be like, I, there's no way I. , like really and truth. Unless I lived through it, I'd just, I'd completely be baffled. No way. And this is us telling you like, we didn't open up like this until well after kids. Yeah. Like after our daughter. So it took us that long.

And, and we're here to tell you that if you like just got to the routine of like having kids or you have multiple kids and you're, everything is just routine for you.  you, there's still hope out there. Like it can still change, you can still have new experiences with your spouse now, and it do. But if you wait any longer and your children are already like growing up and like you, you might lose that connection piece that you need when you become empty nesters or if you have a child with special needs and there's no, and I know like I we're, we've been blessed enough, right to.

You know, have very healthy children. And I know, I think all kids have their own kind of ins and outs, but I think about the children that just require a little more mm-hmm. . Um, and I think about those parents, right? I think about like how time super limited for Yeah. And there's, yeah. And you are spending all of your time on this child, and that's why we talk about rest.

Focus on your spouse, you lose focus of your spouse, yourself and your spouse. Yeah. And if that is you, I just, God, one thing I do wanna say is that I truly appreciate you and you inspire me so much because you're doing what you can. To the best of your abilities and what you're given, right? But I also want you to just, even if it's like five minutes of your day or two minutes, just remind your spouse like, I'm so thankful for you.

Or, oh, that's great. I love, love it. Or ask your spouse like, or ask your spouse like, What can I do for you today? And I think that's really important, right? Like you, and it's, it could be simple of like, I just need you to make me a cup of coffee. You know, what we do that I, I, I really like, and we didn't even put this into like habitual practice.

Like we didn't sit down and script this out, but every so often we'll be like texting. We text all the time. We in the same house and we text, but all the same. We'll text like, Hey, I appreciate you. Mm.  and there's nothing more special than being like in a hard part of your day, let's say work is just off the chain and you know, it's overwhelming or you, you got something else coming up and it it is, it's daunting and it's on your mind.

And then you get like a random text. I mean, literally the rest of the conversation is about diapers and after school, kids schedules and everything else. Yeah. And then it's like that one, one liner. Hey, I appreciate you. Yeah. Or I say like, I'm so glad I'm doing this life with you. Yeah. Those, those things will make you stop, like whatever else is going on.

But that's stop in the track. But that's Adrian's love language. Your love language could simply, it could be different. It could be different. It could be like, you know what, no, I'm gonna take that back. I don't care who you are. If you can't, if you get a text like that and that doesn't make you like stop and go, damn, that was.

you might be a coldhearted bastard. Cause like that, that shit is just so nice. Like we are coming off really cheesy. We're just in a different stage of our life. We're just as cheesy as they come. Like we, I literally cuddle with Adrian every night. . We are that couple. Like we are, we are. So it's like falling in love with your spouse all over again.

And I remember telling Adrian, I don't know when this is gonna end, but I'm gonna cherish every moment that I have with you that, no, I'm taking full of it. Lovey dovey and I always apologize to him. I'm constantly going. I'm so sorry. You probably are so sick of me. I just wanna hold your hand. I wanna be held by you.

I'm okay with it. Please make out with me. Please put your dick in my mouth like it's. I, we, all of those things, just all of those things, it's just, and I'm like, are you sick of me yet? Like, come on. Like, come on, give it to me rough daddy. Like it's just so, I think it's just all to say that any conversation, it doesn't even have to be about bringing the conversation of being in the lifestyle.

It's all in how you approach it. And of course,  being respectful of your partner. I think you said it really well. Yeah. Cuz this is something you are, bring it up. You are communicating something new. So as much as you want them to be open to it, you need to also allow them time to process that and,  in the midst of it also ask like, what can I do to reassure you that you are enough?

Because I think, and you know what I say that, but for some couples it could be the other o the other way. Right? It could just say like, I want more, and then you're, you as the partner could then be like, what can I do more for? Oh, that's true. The learning, learning partner. Can I, yeah. So like you have to be open enough where they, if they openly tell you, , you are not enough.

Are you gonna be the bigger person that goes, what can I do? Yeah, let me, if, if it's an actionable thing, yes. Like if it's something that you can do, if it's something that you can learn, um, and I'm not saying like change, but I think that's the part of marriage though. And especially if you get married so young, we got married at 23.

I think for us it was just like at 23 we were still learning like what we liked and what we didn't like, and we were still trying to think about our careers, where it was gonna be headed and all that stuff. A lot. Yeah. So it was really hard and you want to have a partner that you can grow and change with and it takes compromise and time.

So that's what I'm saying, like just be, just know that. Come to the con the table with your conversation with an open heart and an open mind. And as much as you are willing to communicate to your partner, you yourself also have to be vulnerable and receptive to the fact that they need time to process and debrief as well.

So if you want to be provided the same grace. You need to be providing the same grace to your partner as well. So I challenge you to have open conversations and see where it goes. And please let us know if there was any other questions that you might have. But that's it for this one. All right. Thanks for mixing it up with us.

We'll see you next time. Bye guys. Thank you for tuning in to the Mixed Up Life. Subscribe and chat with us on Instagram and make sure to follow the adventures on Spotify or wherever you get your podcast.